In this part of the website Healthy Respect raises some questions that parents often ask, for example, when to start talking about sex, and the language it's best to use. It’s important to remember that talking about sexual health and relationships issue does not encourage young people to become sexually active. In fact, talking about the issues can help delay the age young people first have sex.
We all owe it to young people to make sure they are as informed as possible about sex and relationships.
As one teenager put it,
"…it sometimes seems as if sex is compulsory, but contraception is illegal…”
One part of the adult world bombards teenagers with sexually explicit messages, making it appear that sexual activity is the norm. Another part, including many parents and most public institutions, is at best embarrassed and at worst, silent, hoping that if sex isn't talked about, it won't happen. The result is not less sex, but less protected sex. See our Downloads and Campaigns section for details of materials that parents can use to help them talk to their children.
If I talk to my children about sex, will I be encouraging them to do it?
One of the fundamental concerns that parents often have is that if they talk about sex, they are going to encourage young people to start having sex earlier than they would have done had they just left the whole subject alone. However, research has shown that this is not the case. The UK Government recently commissioned a widespread report* into teenage pregnancy and as part of this, an extensive review of the effectiveness of sexual health education. The overwhelming weight of evidence demonstrates that programmes focusing on up-to-date, accurate information, STIs, contraception and condom availability do not increase sexual activity and can be effective in delaying the initiation of intercourse, reducing the number of sexual partners and increasing the use of condoms and other contraceptives.
* Source: K. Wellings et al. Teenage Pregnancy Strategy Evaluation: Final Report Synthesis. (2005) http://www.dfes.gov.uk/research/programmeofresearch/projectinformation.cfm?projectid=14562&resultspage=1, accessed on 18/06/2008
When should I start talking to my child about sex?
The earlier the better. Very young children start to ask questions about where babies come from. This is a good opportunity to start. If questions are answered openly and honestly (with simplified language of course), then children will get the information they need to make sense of their world. If they don't ask questions, there are many excellent books aimed at toddlers, which can be used to start discussions around the subject. Children between two and four may also touch their genitals and this is a good time to teach children about the difference between private and public behaviour and also about wanted and unwanted touching. Reading stories can be a useful way of talking about different feelings and relationships.Remember that there is no right or wrong way of discussing sexual health and relationships with young people
As children grow, their bodies change and they will have an interest in the differences between females and males. Build on what has been talked about already. Some girls start having periods as early as eight years old, so it's useful to discuss periods by then. Children might notice tampons or condoms in the bathroom and parents can explain what they are for - keeping it simple and factual. It’s best to use the correct terminology for body parts. Boys should also be told about periods. In fact boys and girls benefit from finding out about the differences (as well as the similarities) between them. If children are not told about the changes in their bodies during puberty, they may worry that something is wrong. Again there are many useful books and leaflets to support parents in explaining things to their child. The following leaflets can be downloaded at: http://www.ltscotland.org.uk/sexandrelationshipseducation/about/engaging/index.asp
Talking to your child about relationships and sexual health
A booklet aimed at parents and carers, giving advice on talking to children between 4 and 9 years old about relationships and sexual health.
Talking with your teenager about relationships and sexual health
A booklet aimed at parents and carers, giving advice on talking to children between 10- and 13 years old about relationships and sexual health.
I'm too embarrassed to talk to my children about sex - what can I do to make it easier?
To start the conversation, parents can ask what has been covered at school. Teachers should provide any information you need to know. Prepare first by finding out about the subject. Use examples from TV programmes (soaps are very good) to start discussions about relationships and sex. Leaflets can be left around the house for children to read. The Healthy Respect website might be used to explore the issues. Remember this site is aimed at young people over the age of 13.
Friends who also have children may have similar concerns, or they might have good ideas about how to deal with tricky questions or situations. It's important to remember that there are no right or wrong ways of discussing sensitive issues with children. Parents should be ready to try different approaches until they find one that suits them and their family.
I've found pornographic magazines under my child's bed, I feel they degrade women, how can I discuss this with them?
Try not to panic. Some young people can often find it difficult than girls to talk about sex and relationships. This can lead to a more secretive exploration of sex. Reading pornography or accessing it on the Internet might be a young man or young woman’s way of trying to find out about sex. It might be helpful to tell your young person that the pornography has been found, so the subject of sex and relationships can be brought up.
Without blaming the young person, parents can discuss the subject and say how they feel. Pornography does not portray or reflect the reality of sex and relationships. It is an unrealistic fantasy. If young men/women only get one side of the picture they are likely to have unrealistic expectations or feel anxious what will be expected of them in sexual relationships.
It might be worth trying to find out where your son/daughter found the magazine; was it from someone else living in the house? If so, is this appropriate and could it be discussed with the person who owns them? What age and maturity is your child? Perhaps you could offer them, or leave in the home, some useful leaflets on sexual health. Have a look at our Downloads and Campaigns section at some of our leaflets.
Help - I've found condoms in my son/daughter's pockets. What should I do?
Is there a need to say anything? After all, young people are entitled to privacy and to make their own decisions. It may be helpful to talk to friends or other parents to see what they think. Also, consider what has been found out. Here is a young person, who, if they are sexually active, is behaving with care, using common sense, respecting themselves and other people and reducing their risk of unplanned pregnancy and infection. These are all signs of maturity and responsibility. And remember this doesn’t mean the young person is sexually active…they might just be curious about condoms.
The c:card plus service is available in some areas for young people aged 13-16 years old to obtain information on sexual health and access to free condoms, if requested. A trained professional will always see a young person under 16 on their own and a full consultation is given to ensure that the young person is not feeling pressurised into doing anything that they do not want to. We always ask the age of their partner and discuss whether any age difference is appropriate. We always suggest that young people talk to their parent or trusted adult about their relationship. For more information on c:card, visit their site at www.c:card.org.uk
No condoms would be offered to anyone under the age of 13 and any young person reporting sexual activity of this age would be referred to Child Protection for assessment.
If a parent feels the need to say something, they could explain that they would like to be supportive of their child. Even if they don't agree with it, keeping the communication channels open as much as possible is a good idea, for example:
"I don't agree with ... but I respect your right to make your own decisions and I'm pleased you're being sensible...is there anything you need to know?"
To find our more about sexually transmitted infections (STIs) visit our STI section and you may also wish to visit our pregnancy section
How do I know what my child is being taught in school?
The Scottish Government has guidelines for sexual health and relationships education in schools. These are outlined for parents in a leaflet called Sex Education in Scottish Schools: A Guide for Parents and Carers. The leaflet tells parents what they can expect from schools. For example:
- All schools must provide sex education.
- Schools should present the facts in an objective, balanced and sensitive manner within a framework of sound values.
- They should work in partnership with parents.
- Schools should have strategies in place to consult with parents.
- They should give information about their planned programme.
It may be helpful as a parent to link in with the school to know if any sexual health and relationships programmes are happening within your son or daughters class. Copies of the Government leaflet on these programmes are available from schools and local authorities, or visit http://www.ltscotland.org.uk/sexandrelationshipseducation/about/natguidance/index.asp
Sexuality & Gender
Religion and Beliefs
Learning Disability
Young People, Sex and the Law - Info for Parents and Carers
Support and Information for Parents and Carers